A Sick Update & A Giveaway Winner

**be warned: this post may be a bit rant-y, complain-y, babble-y, and contain a lot of (extra) typos. 

This has been one hell of a long week. I cannot not even begin to describe how much I am truly looking forward to feeling better. You read about Wednesday night/early Thursday morning.... well... as awful as the whole thing is/was, I was lucky enough that it all worked out with my (and Alex's) work scheduling. I don't work Thursday during the day--- I work Thursday nights...  which means I was able to spend all of Thursday with a very sick Marlowe. Thursday night came around and as I was walking out the door, I noticed a missed call from my boss, and discovered the truck wouldn't be going out that night. Boy, that was kind of a nice surprise. Marlowe slept all day and most of the night. She spent 80% of her time on me. As hard as it was to see her sick, it was also so nice to just lay there with her cozy little body on mine.
Friday, Alex had off work. He came over to watch Marlowe while I went to work. For the past month (plus?) Alex and I have had no more than five minutes of contact with each other at a time. I had decided a while ago that he would no longer be spending time in my home. He would pick up Marlowe at my doorway, and drop her off the same way.  I cannot begin to explain how much I dreaded him being there on Friday... but then at work: the sickness hit me ( and I thought she wasn't contagious. whoops). I rushed home a few minutes early to meet them for a doctors visit. Marlowe and I left diagnosed with the Flu (Type B-- whatever that means) and the three of us left with a prescription to fight off the sickness. The rest of the day I joined Marlowe wavering in and out of fever land. We watched videos together, tried to eat as much as we could, and whined here and there. Alex and I took turns getting things done around the house and making sure Marlowe was comfortable. I wanted nothing to do with having to spend time with Alex, but once I started feeling miserable myself, I was grateful it all worked out how it did, because, needless to say: it was nice to have someone around to help.
I handle the day to day pretty well, but when I'm sick? Pfffft. I'm a mess-- a big whiny, loopy, vulnerable, half brained baby of a mess. Marlowe started feeling somewhat better on Saturday. Me? I had a fever of 102 coming and going for different parts of the day. Trying to handle the flu, by yourself, with a baby who is suddenly feeling better (and going a bit stir-crazy and wanting attention) is god-damn hard. I laid on the couch, or on my bed, shivering under the covers, with a video to distract her, wishing I could magically morph into two separate people, complaining to no one, but myself.
Here I am on Sunday. I haven't had a good nights sleep in days. I'm still sick. Coughing myself into a beautiful set of abs (I wish). I'm stir crazy, bored beyond belief, and slightly depressed that the best day this week was the day I dreaded the most-- because hey, it's the day: I not only had another adult around, but I also had more than two arms to help care for my sick child. On the upside: Today, I've been given a day of rest. Marlowe has been feeling a lot better, her fever has gone down and she has regained much of her energy. Today, my mother has picked Marlowe up to stay with her for a few hours (my mom flew into town yesterday), giving me time to actually recover. I'm praying to the sick gods that tomorrow will be a better day. It should be. It has to be. Because I cannot, for another day or moment, sit here, bored and alone, in my home. This update is about five pages longer than I wanted it to be. Just give me my healthy, happy life back.

Coming up in the new few days I have a sponsor spotlight and a (soup) recipe. And I still planning on doing a body care post... you know... one day.

And the winner for our Perry Mackin giveaway?
None other than one of our very own sponsors: Belle from Petite Biet. Congratulations Belle! The bag will be Brooklyn bound just as soon as I kick this flu :)

Thank you everyone that entered! Stay tuned, we have a few more giveaways lined up for April and May. And of course: don't forget about our Ride For Kids giveaway, where you can win a ton of awesome organic shirts, among other things... and 100% of the proceeds goes to help children with brain cancer. It's a win/win... even if you know, you don't win.



edit: I should probably mention, cause I'm pretty sure it will be brought up or questioned: yes, we totally used disposable diapers all week. I know I said we were an "all cloth" house, but I guess that wasn't completely true. I forgot to mention we use a disposable for sleep time.... and now: for sick time. 

You Change When You Want To // You Change When You Need To

I think it is safe to say a lot of people were hopeful, but not expecting a lot when Alex came back into the picture. In general, people want to believe that there is good in all people... that people make mistakes, they grow, they change, they learn, and they are capable of becoming better people. Me, my family, my friends, and my readers hoped for the best, but he left once, twice, multiple times before, so what would stop him from leaving again? Well... nothing. He didn't want to be the bad guy anymore. He was the bad guy when he left me during my pregnancy. He was the bad guy when he was popping in and out of my life. He was the bad guy when I was raising my daughter alone... he didn't want to be that guy anymore... so one would think the simple solution to this would be to... you know... change? Stop? Something? I don't know... but in my eyes, leaving again doesn't seem like the solution to becoming the good guy. It makes you not only a bad guy again, but an even worse guy.
He had an opportunity that not many men would have. Not only did I allow him back in my life after all the harm he had cause me and our daughter, but my family and I embraced him with open arms, forgiving all his past mistakes. We were all ready to move forward and believed he was ready too. The only thing expected of him was the promises he made. He had a second chance, the second chance he asked for-- the chance to be the man he promised he could be. Instead of taking the opportunity to right his wrong and fix the family he had broken, he chose to take advantage of his second (undeserving opportunity) and continue to lie to everyone. It angers me how simple a family for us could have been. I moved past the previous pain, I let go of past anger, and I moved forward, knowing it would have been the only way for us to work. All we expected in return was an honest man. So simple and so painfully wasted. I guess when he told me and my family he was offering: "My love, true undying love, the willingness to make it work, to take any measure necessary to stay a team, to fight together, to parent together, to raise our daughter together, to support, to encourage, to support, and to bring back together the family we started so long ago"... he forgot to leave a disclaimer mentioning his efforts would only last four months. I wanted to believe it was for real this time, that he would fight and not run, but like every time before, it was just words and just for show. 
But this isn't a victim/villain story. I'm not a victim. I had a choice. I knew his past and I still chose to believe that he wanted a life and a family with me. He was offering me and my daughter a life that we not only deserve, but that I wanted. I wanted to believe it was real. While, I wouldn't have made my choice if I had known his efforts would be so incredibly short-lived, I don't regret my choice. I needed to try. Yes, he was undeserving, but I needed to know I was doing everything possible to give my daughter a life she deserved. Again, I am here knowing I have no regrets. I am a good mother, a good woman, and a good partner. I stayed when others would have left, I fought through his family, and I fought through his lies. And I stayed through my insecurity. Through the pain, I stayed for my family--- for our family. And he left, for himself... breaking not only a promise to me, but to his own daughter.
Many of my readers of reached out to me, telling me my writing had changed when Alex came into the picture--- that there was tension behind my words. I think they are correct. I lived in fear and insecurity. I knew Alex lied... he always lied. The very first day I stepped into his home, 4 years ago, he lied to me. I hoped his time in New York had done some good. I hoped he had seen the error in his ways. That he was no longer one to hide behind lies or run whenever a problem, responsibility, or real life was in front of him. I hoped and believed his efforts to have me and Marlowe back in his life, as a family, were a starting point to prove not only his personal growth, but also, his readiness to be a real parter, a father, and also, a man. I was undoubtably wrong. In his little time back in our lives and in my home, his lies were not only consistent, but growing. As happy as I was with my daughter, my friends, and my family, I was also living a life I did not enjoy. I spent my days fearful that he was going to leave, again. I spent my time wondering what words of his were true. I spent my nights questioning how much he could really care about me, my daughter, our happiness, and our home, when he spent so much time causing pain with his lies.
I came home from our Miami staycation feeling renewed... I felt that our time spent away from everything would set a new mood in our home. The next day, nothing had changed. The next night, I uncovered more lies. A secret "friendship" that he had been hiding for weeks.... a way to escape. Instead of taking action, fixing wrongs, and facing the real problems at home, he spent his time at work, laughing, being friendly, and using all his free time, communicating with a new friend. The hurt inside me was unbearable. So many times I wanted to leave because of the lies. So many times I wanted to leave because of all the problems Alex brought into the household, but I stayed. I always stayed. I stayed for my love for Alex. I stayed for my daughter. And I stayed for the idea of our life and family together. Anyone else would have left for a multitude of reasons, on a million different occasions, but I stayed and I fought for our home.
Each day was a new opportunity to create change, to create a better future, to and to fix and move past the wrongs of the previous days. Instead of moving in the right direction, Alex checked out. The next morning, things got worse. More lies uncovered and a heated argument. Alex had a choice--- he always had a choice: Stop the lies, stop creating problems, and move forward... or... do what he's done so many times before in the past: run and avoid. He went to work and didn't come home. A relationship takes work. A home takes work. A child takes work. A family takes work--- and not just a little work, but a lot--- a never-ending amount. Why would he choose responsibility when it's so much easier to be a child, living at home, answering and caring to and for no one, with zero commitments other than work? He chose the only thing he has ever cared for the only thing he has ever worked for or protected: himself. He went out until 5 am with the bartender friend and didn't come home. This was two weeks ago. How he feels that it is okay to pick up and leave with a daughter at home is beyond me. I could never fathom this. I could never do this. This home, this life, my daughter is my responsibility. I don't get to break my commitments. I don't have a choice to pick up and leave. He shouldn't allow himself to have that choice either, but like he's proven so many times before: he likes to play the bad guy. He chooses that role. Even with his attempts to hide behind his lies, he still lives and breathes that role. To his family, to me, and to his daughter: He makes his choices--- he chooses to be the bad guy and instead of putting in a real effort, he is chooses to disappoint.
I break down and cry from time to time. I feel numb often and I feel pain even more. I feel anger at times, resentment in others, but overall it's a feeling of sadness. I mourn the loss of our future together. I mourn the loss of one home for Marlowe. I mourn the loss of the man I loved, the man hiding under the lies. These feelings will come and go for a while, it is a process--- one that I have been through before.


Change doesn't just happen. Change happens because of want and desire, but more often than not: change happens out of need. Alex didn't want to change, and he certainly didn't feel the need to change. Not for his friends, work, family... not for me, our family, and not for our daughter. You won't be hearing much about Alex on here anymore. He's been in and he's been out. He's proven unstable, unnecessary, and to be a bad guy. In time, the blog will be more of the positive and inspirational place it once was before. All in all, life is changing, again. Not because I wanted it to, but because it needs to. With Alex gone, and with the expenses that come along with a growing child, I'm looking for new ways of income. I'm sad to think I won't be able to spend my days, at home, raising my daughter, but I am happy to know that I have big plans to do the things I love and I am able to create opportunities I've always wanted. I've had a few big plans working through my head in the past couple months, and now because of these (and other) changes.... I not only want them to happen, but need them to happen. While the waves of sadness will continue to hit me from time to time, I am still hopeful and thankful of the positive things the universe is not only placing in front of me, but throwing directly at me. This wont be my first time being a single mom. Marlowe and I have lived this life before, and will live it again, but I am certain: it will only get better this time around. It's my time.

Staycation (Two)

Happy New Year! 

We had a much, much needed staycation over the past day and a half. On our last (first) staycation, we stayed local, this time around we headed an hour south to South Beach. My mom was gracious enough to gift Alex and I a one night hotel stay for Christmas. She also stayed at my home to baby and doggy sit while we went away. It was so needed. We stayed at the Breakwater Hotel. It was seriously amazing. The room was amazing and the service was so incredibly helpful and friendly. We aren't really 'south beach' people (I did live there for a while, but once I left, I pretty much never went back), so we spent most of our time sleeping, watching tv, or in the design distract in search of delicious food. Alex slept much of the time, while I happily relaxed with him snuggled up on me. We spent our first evening in the hotel room. Alex slept and I enjoyed a marathon of Portlandia. After, we headed out for pizza, came back to the hotel (where I had left my ID... so weird being carded!), and then headed out to a reggae bar. We spent much of our second day walking around... even though I had clumsily twisted my ankle the night before... it was a bit rough, but stubbornness will get you far ;) We found tacos and mexican coke (vacation guilty pleasure) for breakfast and then made our way to the beach. We finished our night with a movie and of course: more food. Both of us left incredibly happy, full, in love, and a bit more relaxed. 

metro organic bistro // south beach living

our ocean drive, hotel. it was blocked off the first day due to new years and was a bit of a crazy show on the streets! 

ps. extra bonus? The products in the room were all vegan!

harry's pizzeria.

monday morning. 

waiting on breakfast.

making our way back to the beach.

my cowl from up a tree cup a tea: doubled as a champagne holder.

60's vintage suit = winning. 

last stop: gigi's = extra delicious. we ordered enough food for about three to four people. gluttons. 



And now... back to the daily (finally chilly) grind! Happy day, friends :)

Snippets Of Christmas

Soooo... christmas happened. It was quick and painless, and this year I had a place to put my blame for my 'holiday whatever's'. We didn't really have much planned around here. The 24th is actually Michelle's birthday, so she came by, I made us lunch, and we sat around and finished our last minute Christmas gifts together while Marlowe napped. Alex, was of course scheduled to work all of Christmas eve so I brought Michelle to my brothers house for our family get together (we usually get together on the eve, not the day). My sister-in-law, Nicole cooked a wonderful (all from scratch) meal for everyone and was wonderful enough to make sure anything that could be vegan (not meat) was vegan! They use almond milk and vegan butter at their house anyway, but still, I know she went out of her way to make sure it was Marlowe and Drea friendly. Alex came home late that night (like always) and he prepped pizza dough for the morning. He had been told that day that he would no longer have Christmas off and would have to come into work the next day. We were all bummed. Our first Christmas as a family (and one of Alex's only days off that week) was cut short.... and then... even shorter when he found out he would have to go into work hours earlier than we had anticipated. We still made the best of the time we had together... We sat in the living room together while Marlowe and Alex opened gifts. Alex made us pizza, and Michelle came by with even more gifts for all of us to open. After Alex left to work, Laura joined us to spend a non christmas-y, christmas together. We took a walk to Michelle's house in the hot december, Florida sun. We drank iced coffees and listened to the most ridiculous gift Marlowe received: a keyboard cat from my friend, Anita. We walked back home and I dressed Marlowe and I up to go out that evening. It was decided that I would have to make the best out of our situation and if Alex couldn't be with his family on Christmas, then his family would have to go to him. So that's what we did. Marlowe, myself, and my family went out to eat at his restaurant for Christmas dinner, and like always, we made sure to get the booth near Alex, so Marlowe could see a little more of him. I wasn't surprised to find the restaurant was empty and unnecessarily open on Christmas.... on one hand it was upsetting to have him miss his one day off that week to be at an empty place... and on the other hand it was good to have Alex, able to come and sit with us every so often, and come home a little earlier: at 10 pm. We sat around with that damn keyboard cat and then Alex put Marlowe to bed so we could sit and relax together for a few moments before ending the day. And that was Christmas. 

outside. christmas eve day. making an extra special christmas gift for daddy and some other family members too. Yes, outside. I had to turn my AC back on for two days. I was pissed.

last minute present makers. 

christmas eve at my brother and sister-in-law's home. 

some of many presents, for Alex.

christmas eve night, insisting to prep the pizza dough for tomorrow // christmas pizza. 

wanting to wear red // christmas morning excitement! 

michelle comes by with: more gifts and three amazing hand knit stockings (filled). 

marlowe's favorite person, her uncle chris // christmas night, home from work with a keyboard cat.

christmas day coffee. 

The good news of Alex being forced to work? A promise of four days off next week and a mini (much needed) vacation for the two of us, while my mom visits from Massachusetts and babysits Marlowe. We're still not set on our destination, but I've been looking forward to this time together for weeks. 


EDIT:  Like many of my posts, I had written this entry and scheduled to post it at a later time. There will not be four days off like promised... or three... just his regular schedule, leaving us without time for a vacation together. 

A Monday

Alex, Marlowe, and I hung out on the couch for the better part of the morning. I made sure to get every single task I possibly could out of the way on Sunday, so that on Monday we could do any and everything or nothing at all. I lounged with my feet propped up, eating toast, in a very much "I'm happy to do anything. This is your day off" mood. Without fail, like every day off, (just like I knew he would) Alex wanted tacos. We headed to Palm Beach and enjoyed the beautiful winter weather (hehehe) for a few moments before lunch. The rest of the day continued with: purchasing Christmas decorations, making dinner, hanging lights, and cutting out tiny christmas trees.

little clip c/o upatreecupatea

cha cha's

mushroom bolognese. 

I'm not typically one to decorate for the holidays. The holidays are actually quite depressing for me, I mean, only in my head, but still. Thats actually why I left New England. I wanted to try to escape the winter blues... turns out it's more than the weather that bums me out.. I'm a Christmas and New Years wah-face. Ok, well I always knew that, even as a 12 year old, sitting around, confused to why I was sad on New Years, but whatever, it was a good reason to escape cold and dark winters. Luckily, the nice weather helps a lot. A lot-a lot. I discussed this a bit last year, but I really want to try to bring a little bit of Christmas cheer around here for Marlowe, with minimal gifts, but lots and lots of love.  

A Dose Of Chill

This past week and a half, I have been striving for mental peace--- not a lot... just a little. The gym thing? What a flop so far. I've gone twice in 8 days. Not awful, but not what I hoped for. Time is still something I could use more of... but when many of the things around you are so incredibly negative and draining it's hard to find that extra motivation to get out of bed an hour early to go to a gym.... especially when snuggling up under the covers, next to the two people you love, seems like a much, much better idea. (I mean, come on, isn't it?!)
Well, Sunday we all did our best to move past any negatives around us and just have fun. We headed to brunch with my brother, sister in law, and a hungover Michelle. After, we did something we (I) never do: mini golf. Yep. Here's a fact: I hate mini golf. People confuse this with "I'm terrible at mini golf"... truth is: I'm not... I'm pretty good at it, I just get so incredibly bored. If you're like me and are never ending amounts of bored by mini golf, try this: bring a baby. It's a thousand times more entertaining to have a little moving obstacle course grabbing all the golf balls. (I promise). I still got bored and quit 75% through the course, but thats further than I've ever made it. And I got second place! Woot woot.
Anyway, Im tired of writing (thinking)..... here is photographic evidence that mini golf (putput) with a baby can be highly entertaining:

Marlowe's hair bow c/o: yellow finch designs

mamas shoes c/o: vintage shoe love
yes, I'm wearing leather. I own and wear second hand leather.... think of me as a "fashion freegan". 

ps. My brother took THIS VIDEO of Marlowe's first mini-golf experience, it's cute, but not easy on the ears. *insert jam band joke here* ;)