I'm 27 Today.

(the midnight hour that became my birthday)

In the past 27 years, I've learned a lot. I've battled many of my own demons. I overcame hard times. I've achieved many things. I've lived and experienced. I've had some losses, but I've gained so much more. I've made friends. And I've lost friends. I've reconnected. And I've grown closer. I've made enemies, and have been lucky enough to gather many more people, who I not only love, but love me in return. I gave to many, and have been given so much more. I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I love myself for who I am, the woman I've grown to be, and the woman I'm becoming with each passing day. Not everyone loves me, and thats okay, not everyone has to. Some will judge, assume, and disdain, without ever really knowing me for who am. And maybe, some will know me not only on the surface, but inside-out, and still never like me, but that will have to be okay. I am living for myself, my daughter, my friends, my family, my loved ones, for everyone I've ever cared about. I am happy, really, truly happy. The negatives around me are minimal, petty, and easily combed over and picked through. Whats leftover is something to smile about. I'm 27 today and I can say, for the first time ever: I am the happiest I have ever been. I'm looking forward to this year, and every year after that.

Today someone searched: "make the most out of life" and found me. This puts a smile on my face and and brings me joy. 

Parting Gifts // The Universe

I've been posting and mentioning quite frequently about how tired I've been. Life is good, but I'm tired. Well, when I tell you that I've been tired, I mean: REALLY tired, not just "oh, single mama life is hard and days are long" but physically struggling to stay awake at points. Along with my exhaustion I've been feeling... well, nauseous, having lots of headaches, and you know, lucid dreams among other things too. Not too long ago I wrote a post about the separation of Alex and I and how I would be living single mama life again. I ended the post saying: "It's my time". I was so ready and so confident that life was going in a certain way and it would be easier without all the heavy problems Alex brought to my home, but it turns out: I was wrong (sort of). Well, the next day, I found out... maybe it wasn't actually my time, my time would be on hold, again. It turned out, that again, Alex had left me a small parting gift with his decision to leave. The day after my post, the day before I started work on the food truck, I found out I was pregnant, again.
Before I even stood up, the test read positive. My head was filled with a million different emotions and my heart raced a bit, but I didn't panic and I didn't cry. Now what? I decided I should finish getting Marlowe dressed and go about my day as planned.

You can imagine this story is pretty long (really, really long) so I'm going to cut it and let you click the link if you'd like to choose to continue reading....





So yeah, here I was... single again, raising Marlowe alone again, and pregnant. My emotions were torn and bounced back and forth between the positives and the negatives of my situation. I so badly wanted a sibling for Marlowe. I so badly wanted to raise another child, and to have a growing family... but I no way thought that this is how it would be again. Part of me was upset, slightly bothered, and annoyed, knowing that: AGAIN I would be going through a pregnancy alone... that I would now, not only be raising one child alone, but two children, by myself. All while Alex would be living his life, with zero responsibility, for himself, just like he always has. That no matter what would happen, that I would be at every single doctors visit, in the labor room, up all night long, and exhausted to no end during the day, with a toddler, and a newborn, without a partner, without someone I could love and trust by my side. I would again be missing the joy of sharing a pregnancy and child-raising with a loved one... I would be fighting to parent alone. My mind continued to jump further into more thoughts of good and bad. Yes, it would no longer be my time, again, my life would be on hold, but there would be another baby. A baby to love, a brother or sister for Marlowe. Marlowe would not be alone. I thought, well now, on holidays and her birthday, and on the weekly visits with her father, she wouldn't be alone when having to be dragged back and forth. The idea of her having someone by her side brought me relief... and not just someone, but a sibling by the same mother and father.  I also thought about the fact that, without this pregnancy now, who knows when I would be ready to have children again, maybe a decade from now? When I'm 35? 40? When Marlowe is much, much older, missing out on someone to grow up with? Well, that's not how I would want life to be either. I thought about how physically and mentally exhausted I would be. Raising two on my own means less attention for both kids--- attention they deserve, attention I could give, but at what cost? But, then I would think about the fact that there are MANY women who are in this situation, with less help, and more children, who not only manage, but thrive, giving their children really wonderful lives. I thought about the fact that any problems I had now with Alex, wouldn't really change. I mean, what difference would it make? If I had to deal with all the crap of co-parenting with one kid, then two would be no different... it's a struggle either way. But then, I would grow angry thinking about Alex as a father. Thinking about how I would honestly feel like a bad person if I brought another child in this world with Alex as their father. Harsh, but true. It's already nearly impossible for me to get a weekly schedule out of him... so much time and energy trying to find out what day he will see Marlowe next. If he doesn't want to (or can't) make more time now, if he continue to lie about EVERYTHING and doesn't help with childcare, and/or help provide enough money now, he isn't going to do it later. If the pressure of being a father to one kid is already too much work for him, then two will surely be too much for him to handle. My heart was torn between wanting another child versus feeling guilt for having another child by the same, unstable man. But then I would think: I am young and I can do this. So what if I'm exhausted, low on money, and raising another newborn? I've done it once before, and I did it well, and I could (and can) do it again-- this time with two. I've heard many times in the past few weeks: "The universe won't give you anything you can't handle". Well, I knew I could handle this. Many thoughts and questions, but no tears, little fear, and moving forward.
A few days later: I told Alex. He filled the phone with questions. Every few sentences he would question: "Why are you so calm? Why aren't you freaking out?". I would respond: "Alex. I've been here. I freaked out before. I now know that freaking out isn't going to change this situation. I am fine and calm because and I can do this, I've done this once before. I was alone then, just like I am now, and nothing is going to change that, so why am I going to freak out?". Just like the first time, he viewed the situation as something to fear, as a financial burden, and not as a pregnancy or a baby-- after all: it would REALLY only affect my daily life. We very briefly discussed it a few times, and then decided: we would not talk about it anymore, because no matter how Alex felt or what he wanted, nothing was going to change.
The first time I became pregnant, I did not have health insurance. Until I was able to acquire health insurance (medicaid), my family helped me pay out of pocket for the first doctors visit. (For those of you who don't know how the medicaid system works: it can take weeks upon weeks to be approved for medicaid. I had very little income--- I had left Miami and was living with my brother and sister in law for most of my pregnancy until I could find a (more than) affordable place of my own... I was approved for just about everything the medicaid system could offer me, but it still took weeks until everything was qualified, approved, and put into system. And even after you are approved, the whole system is shoddy at best). This time around, I had no idea how far along I could be, I figured it could be anywhere from 2 weeks to 8 weeks--- thats a pretty big range in the world pregnancy. Even knowing very well each pregnancy is different, I tried to base things on how strong my symptoms were--- but really, between breast-feeding and weaning, I knew everything within my body was sensitive and off. I decided to wait, tell very little people, and about two weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I decided to schedule an appointment at Planned Parenthood (No insurance, remember?). I called, I scheduled, they give me rates, and told me about price adjustments for people who qualify. A friend came with me, she kept me company, we discussed dinner plans. I told her (about a million times) I wanted a feast with mass amounts of delicious food--- but mostly: I just wanted to stop being nauseous. I never actually threw up with morning sickness--- I did ONCE when I was pregnant with Marlowe-- but only after I ate cheese (real cheese, I never realized how lactose intolerant I really was until a few years ago)--- but I do (and did) waiver between wanting to run to the bathroom and wanting to eat every disgusting thing in site. 
We wait. Nothing seems real. A million thoughts run through my head and I find myself wondering if I am possibly dreaming. After an hour or two I am called into the office. I disrobe. I lay down. And I wait for the ultrasound tech. She comes in and we proceed. I lay there... waiting and staring... and confused. She has a weird look on her face and like hers, my eyebrows also start to scrunch down with confusion. I ask her what is going on. I honestly forget exactly how she put it, but basically: there is no baby. I ask: "what?" and she begins to explain that my gestational sack is empty. A "blighted ovum". I am confused and I have no idea what this means. She turns the screen closer to me and moves the ultrasound wand around to show me all the angles. My mind darts back to my first ultrasound with Marlowe. The screen looks so familiar.... but there is no little bean where a baby should be. I tell her: I don't understand, "but I took a test and it was positive and I have all the symptoms?". She tells me that if I took a test it would be positive, because I have all the pregnancy hormones in me. I ask her how common this is. She tells me: "I see this a few times a month". I lay there in shock. I question everything and I tell her: "I don't know if this is wrong to think and say, but I feel a bit of relief." 
I ask her more questions. Is she sure? Can she tell how far along I am and is it possible that a baby could grow and I will be pregnant? How would she be able to tell if there is no possible future baby? By measuring the sack? What happens next? She tells me: "Does seven weeks seem right?" Absolutely: five days after I had fully weaned Marlowe, a few days off from a night I had calculated as a possibility. She goes on to tell me more about my situation. Somewhere along the way, after I got pregnant, something happened, and a baby did not grow. The hormones were in me, and my gestational sack and uterus would continue to grow and eventually I would miscarry. I could wait for my body to miscarry naturally or I could choose to have a D&C. Knowing: I do not have insurance, the (small) risk of complications, a hospital bill would be incredibly pricey, and especially knowing: I'm the only one there to watch Marlowe 24/7 and (I imagine) a miscarriage would be an emotionally and physically uncomfortable thing to go through: I decide to stay and have the D&C. I go back in the waiting room. Five more hours pass. I am searching the internet for every bit of information I can find. I want medical terminology. I want statistics. I want possible complications of  D&C. I want to know if maybe it would be better to wait for a natural miscarriage. I want to know how long I would have to wait. I want to know the side effects of my procedure--- physical, yes, but mostly: emotionally. How will my hormones be affected? Emotionally, will it be the same as a natural miscarriage? Will I become depressed? How long will it last? How long will I feel "pregnant"? Why did this happen? Is there really no baby? There is no baby.
I am called in. I've decided what pain methods and such I will allow. I decide benedryl and an anti-anxeity pill. I don't want an IV. I want to be conscious and aware of what is going on. I ask the doctor even more questions. He tells me: it's quite common and most women don't know, they will miscarry before they are even aware they are pregnant. This all makes sense. 

Almost instantly: the pregnancy symptoms slow and I being feel better. Physically and emotionally: there is a calm. I felt (and feel) a bit of disbelief about the whole thing. Still, I feel so many mixed emotions. I think back to that saying I kept hearing and I wonder "Did the universe know it wasn't my time?". I feel relief and part of me feels guilt. There are so many families out there trying to conceive that would be devastated in this situation, but I.... well, I don't know. I feel a calm and think: as much as I would have wanted a second child, a sibling for Marlowe, things are probably better off this way. Marlowe happened. I became pregnant, I was scared, alone, tossed back and forth, but I knew: there was no way I could go through with an abortion or adoption. And here we are. Marlowe is here. No blighted ovum, no miscarriage, no complications what-so-ever, she is here and the most important thing in my world.  
Yes, I allowed Alex back in our lives, I took a risk on someone undeserving of it, but he is and always will be her father. I wanted a family for her and I made the jump. Yes, he proved again that he was not able to fill the family role that I wanted and Marlowe needed, and he again let us down, but I needed to take that risk--- for her and for me. I now know what I didn't want to believe. I am now (more than) ready to move forward and continue with the beautiful life I share with my daughter, raising her alone. I wake up everyday and I feel grateful for the life I've lived and my lessons learned. Things were hard, very hard for a while--  with never ending lies, a new break up, the end of a family, raising one child, and pregnant with another, alone. Struggling to stay awake, finding new work, but struggling not to let my morning sickness get the best of me on the overly hot, smoke filled truck, coming home and doing everything I did the night before, but with even more exhaustion. (Not whining, ranting, or complaining-- it is what it is, nothing that anyone else wouldn't be able to handle, it's life). But through it all-- I continued to move forward and smile everyday, and complain about nothing--- other than, well, being nauseous. I came to a huge realization over the past year, months, and especially in the past few weeks: I am stronger than I ever realized. I am not looking for anything or anyone. I am just living--- Living a life I love, raising a beautiful and incredibly happy daughter, and I am happy. I am really, truly happy. I am proud of the mother I am. And I am proud of the person I am. 
I know this story is a lot to share, it's not a story about a perfect life or an ideal situation. I debated whether or not I would write publicly about this experience, or just let it be another thing that stays behind the scenes of this blog. A few days after posting about having "a story to share", I was catching up on many of the blogs I've missed over the past few weeks and found this quote on a cup of jo, in a post she had shared about being authentic:

"It seems to me that being authentic is being brave enough or just candid enough to be honest about what you are experiencing or who you are, whether it is popular are not. A person gives a gift to other people when they say, 'This is what happened to me or this is how I truly feel, no matter what the popular belief is about what I should feel.' Whenever you are honest, you are speaking for a thousand silent people who don't have the voice to say what they really feel or are really experiencing. So, if you ever talk about [the thing you went through], you will touch a million hearts. Because you are speaking for more than just yourself. You are never alone in what you are feeling. I love you."

It reminded me again why I write, why I share my life stories (as complicated or as imperfect as they may be), and why I feel the need to be so overly honest about everything around me. I have a few reasons for sharing my story. My main reason is so you know where I am at, where my head is, and how I am doing. That life happens, goods and bads, and unexpected situations. The world isn't going to stop turning, changing, and throwing unexpected curve-balls, so the best thing I (and we all) can do is to just be happy-- with ourselves (and all of life's ups and downs), to be honest, to breathe in and breathe out, and keep living. 
Somewhat unrelated, but I also wanted to share this story because of all the craziness surrounding Planned Parenthood in the past few months with funds being pulled by Susan G. Komen, the largest private breast cancer research group in the country.. and everything else that always goes on there. Whether you are pro-choice or pro-life I think we all need to be aware of the good Planned Parenthood is able to do for ALL women, but especially the women in need and women lacking health insurance--- which I don't have numbers or statistic in front of me, but I think we can all agree: the numbers for people lacking health insurance and proper care in this nation (and in TOO many parts of this world) are high. If it weren't for Planned Parenthood, I might still be sitting here today, suffering with all the physical and emotional symptoms of a pregnancy--- with no baby-- just waiting for a miscarriage to happen sometime in the near future. I am grateful for Planned Parenthood. With them, I was able to: get the help I needed at an affordable price, with no health insurance. And now, I can sit here today: feeling much, much better (great even), feeling happy, raising my daughter, and no longer wanting to gag at the sight of mushrooms or peppers. 

What Simply Is

I have a story to share with you in the next few days. I enjoy this place: the place where I write and the place where I share. I share openly because I am content with who I am and the life I live. While I am not perfect, I do not live with regret. I believe in truth and I believe in honesty. If I cannot be honest, then I know I am living a life I am not proud of. I am proud of the mother I am. I am proud of the person I am. And I am proud of the life I share with my daughter and everyone who surrounds us. Thank you for coming here and peeking into my home as I document and share my life.

(photo credit)

Just Because..

Just because it's valentines day... (well... midnight of the night before and I'm deliriously tired, but still up..... ) here's a card for you lovely people ;)

And of course, like last year, I am still giggling endlessly at someecards ;) 

All of last years cards still hold true. You can see them: HERE.

I don't know what all you lovers out there plan on doing for Valentine's day, but Im perfectly content doing as little as possible! After all, it is tuesday, and that's Alex's day to watch Marlowe. Relax mode: on. ;)  Happy Valentines day!

Asking For It (Again): I Can't Quit You.

So... it was about half a year ago that I wrote THIS POST.  And of course, I meant every word I said, but now, I feel slightly different about the whole thing... more laid back... less anxious? It's good! Without the anxiety there's less of a negative feeling associated with the whole thing (topbabyblogs). But still, like I've said before, I in NO WAY want to spam you with topbabyblogs. Zip Zero NADA-- no spamming. Sure, I started off this entry with a beyond adorable image of my kid, cause I mean, look at it! That is beyond cute! But really, the idea of posting heartfelt images or exciting (or even really sad) news and then tainting the post with a huge VOTE FOR ME banner, is (still) kinda blegh. It ruins the real meaning of the post and makes the whole thing... a bit... commercial... a showcase? I dunno, something. Less meaningful, for sure.
While, I wont win a prize, make the news, or have anything really tangible to show from it, I do enjoy being ranked on topbabyblogs, I like a lot of the traffic it brings... and even more importantly: the new readers (and friends) I gain from it. When I first became pregnant, I really had no idea there was a whole world of baby blogs out there. Topbabyblogs was a nice resource--- a jumping off point where I was able to find a lot of the blogs I read today. And I hope that by being ranked: other moms (and of course: non moms) will find my blog too. Considering how BIG the world wide web is, there really isn't a whole lot of single-mama blogs out there. I mean come on--- raising a child with a partner is hard and time consuming enough--- so to do it alone and blog about it--- well, it's kinda ridiculous. But I do it, and I enjoy it, so... I'm hoping that through the efforts of topbabyblogs and more importantly-- through the votes of my readers--- we will continue to: grow, connect, relate, and gain from each other.
Like I've promised in the past, I will only ask ONE TIME for your vote (today! today is the day!). If you enjoy this blog (or even if you still hate it, but keeping coming back for more--- cause you know--- maybe you can't quit it) then I would really appreciate your vote today, and once a day--- everyday. Or of course, whenever you see fit (that's everyday, right? hehe).

You can click the tiny banner above to vote or you'll see the brown vote button <--- somewhere over there, on the left, where it always is. I'd love a vote from you today (and everyday) and like always: I appreciate every vote (and comment, tweet, and email!) I receive from each of you, more than you know. Thanks for joining M and I in this (sometimes roller-coaster) happy, little, life of ours and thank you kindly for your support! :)

love,
drea & marlowe

ps! Did you see my original post? OH MY GOODNESS! M was an itty bitty cutie pie! 
& the little yellow smock dress above? you can purchase similar ones: HERE. And I could be wrong, but I heard a rumor that there was more coming to the shop in the near future :)  
oh! &! I'll totally be back with even more adorable pictures of M very soon... as soon as she lets me and as soon I find the time... which should be soon since my momma flies in tonight to give me a much needed hand! squee! <3

You Change When You Want To // You Change When You Need To

I think it is safe to say a lot of people were hopeful, but not expecting a lot when Alex came back into the picture. In general, people want to believe that there is good in all people... that people make mistakes, they grow, they change, they learn, and they are capable of becoming better people. Me, my family, my friends, and my readers hoped for the best, but he left once, twice, multiple times before, so what would stop him from leaving again? Well... nothing. He didn't want to be the bad guy anymore. He was the bad guy when he left me during my pregnancy. He was the bad guy when he was popping in and out of my life. He was the bad guy when I was raising my daughter alone... he didn't want to be that guy anymore... so one would think the simple solution to this would be to... you know... change? Stop? Something? I don't know... but in my eyes, leaving again doesn't seem like the solution to becoming the good guy. It makes you not only a bad guy again, but an even worse guy.
He had an opportunity that not many men would have. Not only did I allow him back in my life after all the harm he had cause me and our daughter, but my family and I embraced him with open arms, forgiving all his past mistakes. We were all ready to move forward and believed he was ready too. The only thing expected of him was the promises he made. He had a second chance, the second chance he asked for-- the chance to be the man he promised he could be. Instead of taking the opportunity to right his wrong and fix the family he had broken, he chose to take advantage of his second (undeserving opportunity) and continue to lie to everyone. It angers me how simple a family for us could have been. I moved past the previous pain, I let go of past anger, and I moved forward, knowing it would have been the only way for us to work. All we expected in return was an honest man. So simple and so painfully wasted. I guess when he told me and my family he was offering: "My love, true undying love, the willingness to make it work, to take any measure necessary to stay a team, to fight together, to parent together, to raise our daughter together, to support, to encourage, to support, and to bring back together the family we started so long ago"... he forgot to leave a disclaimer mentioning his efforts would only last four months. I wanted to believe it was for real this time, that he would fight and not run, but like every time before, it was just words and just for show. 
But this isn't a victim/villain story. I'm not a victim. I had a choice. I knew his past and I still chose to believe that he wanted a life and a family with me. He was offering me and my daughter a life that we not only deserve, but that I wanted. I wanted to believe it was real. While, I wouldn't have made my choice if I had known his efforts would be so incredibly short-lived, I don't regret my choice. I needed to try. Yes, he was undeserving, but I needed to know I was doing everything possible to give my daughter a life she deserved. Again, I am here knowing I have no regrets. I am a good mother, a good woman, and a good partner. I stayed when others would have left, I fought through his family, and I fought through his lies. And I stayed through my insecurity. Through the pain, I stayed for my family--- for our family. And he left, for himself... breaking not only a promise to me, but to his own daughter.
Many of my readers of reached out to me, telling me my writing had changed when Alex came into the picture--- that there was tension behind my words. I think they are correct. I lived in fear and insecurity. I knew Alex lied... he always lied. The very first day I stepped into his home, 4 years ago, he lied to me. I hoped his time in New York had done some good. I hoped he had seen the error in his ways. That he was no longer one to hide behind lies or run whenever a problem, responsibility, or real life was in front of him. I hoped and believed his efforts to have me and Marlowe back in his life, as a family, were a starting point to prove not only his personal growth, but also, his readiness to be a real parter, a father, and also, a man. I was undoubtably wrong. In his little time back in our lives and in my home, his lies were not only consistent, but growing. As happy as I was with my daughter, my friends, and my family, I was also living a life I did not enjoy. I spent my days fearful that he was going to leave, again. I spent my time wondering what words of his were true. I spent my nights questioning how much he could really care about me, my daughter, our happiness, and our home, when he spent so much time causing pain with his lies.
I came home from our Miami staycation feeling renewed... I felt that our time spent away from everything would set a new mood in our home. The next day, nothing had changed. The next night, I uncovered more lies. A secret "friendship" that he had been hiding for weeks.... a way to escape. Instead of taking action, fixing wrongs, and facing the real problems at home, he spent his time at work, laughing, being friendly, and using all his free time, communicating with a new friend. The hurt inside me was unbearable. So many times I wanted to leave because of the lies. So many times I wanted to leave because of all the problems Alex brought into the household, but I stayed. I always stayed. I stayed for my love for Alex. I stayed for my daughter. And I stayed for the idea of our life and family together. Anyone else would have left for a multitude of reasons, on a million different occasions, but I stayed and I fought for our home.
Each day was a new opportunity to create change, to create a better future, to and to fix and move past the wrongs of the previous days. Instead of moving in the right direction, Alex checked out. The next morning, things got worse. More lies uncovered and a heated argument. Alex had a choice--- he always had a choice: Stop the lies, stop creating problems, and move forward... or... do what he's done so many times before in the past: run and avoid. He went to work and didn't come home. A relationship takes work. A home takes work. A child takes work. A family takes work--- and not just a little work, but a lot--- a never-ending amount. Why would he choose responsibility when it's so much easier to be a child, living at home, answering and caring to and for no one, with zero commitments other than work? He chose the only thing he has ever cared for the only thing he has ever worked for or protected: himself. He went out until 5 am with the bartender friend and didn't come home. This was two weeks ago. How he feels that it is okay to pick up and leave with a daughter at home is beyond me. I could never fathom this. I could never do this. This home, this life, my daughter is my responsibility. I don't get to break my commitments. I don't have a choice to pick up and leave. He shouldn't allow himself to have that choice either, but like he's proven so many times before: he likes to play the bad guy. He chooses that role. Even with his attempts to hide behind his lies, he still lives and breathes that role. To his family, to me, and to his daughter: He makes his choices--- he chooses to be the bad guy and instead of putting in a real effort, he is chooses to disappoint.
I break down and cry from time to time. I feel numb often and I feel pain even more. I feel anger at times, resentment in others, but overall it's a feeling of sadness. I mourn the loss of our future together. I mourn the loss of one home for Marlowe. I mourn the loss of the man I loved, the man hiding under the lies. These feelings will come and go for a while, it is a process--- one that I have been through before.


Change doesn't just happen. Change happens because of want and desire, but more often than not: change happens out of need. Alex didn't want to change, and he certainly didn't feel the need to change. Not for his friends, work, family... not for me, our family, and not for our daughter. You won't be hearing much about Alex on here anymore. He's been in and he's been out. He's proven unstable, unnecessary, and to be a bad guy. In time, the blog will be more of the positive and inspirational place it once was before. All in all, life is changing, again. Not because I wanted it to, but because it needs to. With Alex gone, and with the expenses that come along with a growing child, I'm looking for new ways of income. I'm sad to think I won't be able to spend my days, at home, raising my daughter, but I am happy to know that I have big plans to do the things I love and I am able to create opportunities I've always wanted. I've had a few big plans working through my head in the past couple months, and now because of these (and other) changes.... I not only want them to happen, but need them to happen. While the waves of sadness will continue to hit me from time to time, I am still hopeful and thankful of the positive things the universe is not only placing in front of me, but throwing directly at me. This wont be my first time being a single mom. Marlowe and I have lived this life before, and will live it again, but I am certain: it will only get better this time around. It's my time.

A Story

I've been going back and forth on the idea of titling this post "mystical shit" or not. It feels right to title it that way, but the word shit can be quite offensive, especially being that this blog more often than not focuses on parenting/baby-mom life. Either way, I've got a story to tell you. On my engagement post, I mentioned maybe, in the future, sharing a particularly weird day I had with you. Well, the future is now.

I'm not sure how many (if any) of you believe in psychics, or palm reading, or any of that other stuff. I know there are a lot of people who are into the idea of other worlds, seeing the future through cards, and other... you know, mystical things. For me, I really don't know what to believe. I'm not really a religious person. I support religion, but I don't think about it much. I'm not sure if I would call myself a spiritual person or not. I don't meditate and I don't often find myself feeling an overall connectedness to the earth, I mean sometimes I do, but it all seems a bit.... crunchy. I question if things happen for a reason, or if they just happen. Only recently has my mind wandered to places and topics of past lives and traveling souls. Even saying that, sounds so silly to me. For me, I focus mainly on the idea of the connectedness with oneself. Really getting past the surface to uncover ones unconscious mind... because only once we really know ourselves can we be the good (or bad) people we need to be in this world. Many thoughts I have relate to the idea of analytical psychology and the power of the unconscious. We have so much power deep within us, most of which will never be uncovered. I know myself pretty well... I know my good and I know my bad. Everyday I work on myself, wanting to know more, be better, and be stronger-- the more I figure out myself, the better I am able to handle the world around me. Currently (okay, actually: always) I find myself needing to work on patience, but thats unrelated to this story. What does any of this really have to do with anything? I don't know... it seems silly... a long rambling, crazy sounding intro into an even crazier story I have to tell. It's just that, I know myself pretty well, but I find myself struggling with these ideas lately.... knowing what is real and what is not.

I went back and forth about the idea of visiting a psychic during my pregnancy (before I was showing) to see if they would tell me anything about a baby in the future. It would be my own personal joke or entertainment to see if they could come even a little bit close to the idea of an upcoming baby. I never actually went. I'm not sure how the idea came up again, but it was discussed between some friends and I, and we figured, well, why not? My friend Kristine (not really a believer in the mystics either) had mentioned she went once before in high school. The psychic, Ann, told her that she saw some numbers that would be significant for her. Ann gave Kristine her SAT scores, the exact results Kristine had received in the mail that very morning. Weird. We decided to make an appointment to see Ann.

Kristine went into the room first. She met me outside with the most stunned look on her face. Upon entering the room, even before sitting, Ann says to her: "There is so much energy around your lungs. I'm not sure why but there is a strong energy coming off of them". Well, Kristine is my friend who had a double lung transplant a few years ago. Weird.
It was my turn next, I went in the room and sat down. Ann asks me what I would like to focus on. I tell her, "I'm not sure, just life in general, love, family, relationships". She asks if I would like to know more about anyone and to give her names. I tell her: "Alex". The first thing she says is, "He is always back and forth with you, isn't he? He comes in your life and then he leaves you again." Um, yes, obviously. She goes on to tell me more... "He goes through phases and cycles. At times he's really up, and fighting to be with you, confident and so sure of what he wants... but then, there is the other side... his darker side. When his darker side comes out he closes himself to the world around him, he is no longer sure about what he wants, he causes hurt and feels hurt, and he pushes you away. He is unsteady. And he is moody." She asks: "He has a Jewish mother, doesn't he?" Yes, he does. She tells me how he loves me. There is no question of that. She tells me I love him too, and there is an attraction to him, but it is more than that: there is a connection there between us, there always has been. And it's not just now, but Alex and I, we have been fighting for lifetimes to be together. Every lifetime for us, we have struggled and fought to be together, but there is always a crisis, an obstacle, something standing in our way. She says this will continue for us. She tells me, we can be together now and stay together. We can be incredibly happy together, but ONLY IF he gets help. If he doesn't get help, he will continue to be back and forth and we will live a life of misery, again. She goes onto ask: "Is he trying to be with you now? Because if he isn't, he will be very soon. Just wait for it, he's about to be on a upswing. This one is going to be a big attempt". She tells me: There will be an engagement. It will be soon. She sees, "A baby. A boy, with dark curly hair, big brown eyes, and dark, very long eyelashes." She goes on to remind me again of his cycles, they will be there. We can be very happy together, but only if he can move past this. Okay.

I ask about Eric. She tells me, "Eric is as steady as the day is long, but you don't love him the way you want to. There isn't a question about whether you should be with Eric or Alex, you love Alex. But there will be a choice. There will be a third person. Someone new will come into your life and knock you off your feet. You will have immediate feelings for him, they will be very strong like the feelings you have for Alex. You will struggle to choose between the two.

I leave with more questions. How was everything so accurate and so exact? Yes he's been trying, but a big attempt? That's not Alex. An engagement? Alex would never propose to me so soon. He only started trying to prove himself again so recently. Would we really be together? Would he get help? Could the cycles really stop? They've been so constant in the past. The only constant---- besides the love. A baby? Does she mean Marlowe and her brown hair, dark brown eyes, and the longest eyelashes in existence? Or does she see another baby? A baby with curlier hair, that would look even more like Alex. Another guy? Impossible. I don't meet anyone here. I don't have the freedom to leave the house without a baby. I am home, responsible for my daughter 24/7. And Eric? She said so little. She cut to the point and dropped it instantly. Did I give off some vibes? How did she know? Did I keep a straight face? Of course I did. No emotions. No fidgeting. I sat steady in a chair with nothing to lead her with, right? And then the biggest question: Why am I questioning any of this? Am I believing a psychic? Questioning psychic claims? This is crazy, isn't it? I tell myself: well, we will see what happens. I go to lunch.

After lunch, I drive home. As I am pulling up to my house I receive a phone call from Alex he tells me, "Go check your mail, there is a letter waiting for you". I go inside and open my email. It's the letter. It's something he's never done before. His big attempt. A letter to my whole family telling them he was going to prove to them and fight through everything to be with me again. He was sorry for his past mistakes and he was ready to right his wrongs. He had serious intentions with me and he would show us. A week later, I go up to Massachusetts. He surprises me. He proposes.

Here I am today, almost 5 months later, and another downward cycle is upon us. It is bringing pain to all parties involved. And once again I am left to question everything. Alex and I know very well that our relationship has problems. Him with the lies, and me, with my reaction to the lies. There is fear and there is insecurity in this home. One insecure and fearful of being truthful, the other living in fear and insecurity of what lie there will be to uncover next. It can't be stable this way. Alex and I met at counseling today, it was the first time in days we saw each other or even really talked. After the appointment, we briefly discussed our relationship and what we would do. We talked about our reality, our fantasy, and our feelings. We love each other, we always have. We discussed how we would feel choosing to not be together, he tells me he has and will always love me. He makes the motion of a tie or bond between our chests and says "I'm handcuffed to you". At first, I felt offended by his choice of words. "Handcuffed". I would have preferred "tied", "bonded", "connected", or anything else with a lesser negative connotation. But then, the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. "Handcuffed" fits, because very often it does feel like a punishment for us to love each other so much. Unable to make it work and neither one of us able to let go. There is an undeniable connection between us. Despite everything, it's been constant and long lasting.... a force that keeps us coming back to one another. There is something tangible and visible to the eye that will be bonding us for life, our daughter, but there has been a bond between us, since the day we met, long before her existence. So now, as crazy as I feel and as crazy as it sounds, I find myself wondering about things such as souls and past and future lives. I wonder if there is even more to uncover or if this path and this lifetime is only what is in front of us in the here and now. Is there more? Or is it just mystical *shit*? Has it really been lifetimes that Alex and I have been fighting to be together? I don't know, but more often than not, it feels that way.

What do you believe? Is there more? Have you had a similar experience? Do you believe in past and future lives? In fate and destiny? Does everything happen for a reason? Do you even bother to question it? Do you believe only what is tangible? Do you believe in a set a path for yourself? Do you choose your own path or is it chosen for you? Are there spirits? Have you been to a psychic? Was it a joke? Have you had your palm read? Do you read cards? Astrology? Signs? Do you believe in the power of the unconscious? Or is it all just mystical *shit* to you?


For me, I don't know, but my mom is in town and so I am on my way out tonight. I'm going to take every opportunity to enjoy some time with my friends, because I know that soon these times will be few and far between, when it is me: with zero freedom, the only one responsible around the clock, raising my daughter alone, again.

Cheers friends, tell me what you believe. 

Weaning Is Terrible... And So Is Everything Else.

That's it. We're done. Marlowe has been successfully weaned. "Successfully"... right well... really, that sucked. If I'm going to be honest on this blog of mine, then I'm going to tell you: I've been miserable the past month. Yes a whole month: miserable. Before and right after I had Marlowe I was so incredibly worried about postpartum depression. I knew if anyone was at risk to sink into a deep dark place, it was me. Alone, scared, no sleep, raising a baby... yeah, well, (you know the story) I got past those scary postpartum months with no depression and (what I think is) minimal side effects. Sure, occasionally I wanted to cry (things were tough at times), and I felt incredibly depressed every time I nursed her... what's the name of the "calming hormone" released while breast-feeding?  Oxytocin? Increasing that hormone sucked for me. Every time I fed her, I felt like a depressed crying zombie. Well, over time my body (hormones) normalized a bit more, and nursing didn't affect my mood as much, it just: took up a lot of time (remember, I've got a kid that nursed 15+ times a day), hurt my body and breasts (kicking, pinching, summersaults, jazz hands), and left me a slave to my baby (no sleep, no long outings, pumping, etc). Wow, I'm scaring new, pregnant moms, huh? I swear most babies aren't nursing overeating, pain inducing, gymnasts. Yeah, well despite my nursing depression and everything else, breast-feeding was totally (totally) worth it. Here we are at 15 months and my baby has been 100% formula free, loaded with breast milk nutrients, incredibly healthy, and the best eater in all the land.  (Go team!)
Weaning was incredibly difficult.... for me. Even offering one less feeding a day affected my body and mood. I felt the shift when we cut out night feedings. And I felt an even bigger (HUGE) shift when we went down to one feeding a day. I was slowly, but instantly, sad all the time. And you know what I did? I kept playing it off. I played the tough guy, kept patting myself on the back, and telling myself how great I was doing. I wanted so badly do believe I was going to fight through my hormones, like I had before, and come out with a weaned baby, no side effects, and most importantly: no depression. Pft. FAIL. There were a few days that we managed to skip our morning feedings and by 3 pm, I thought I was going to die. No, thats an exaggeration. But really? I felt like I had been drugged. I can't even begin to tell you how easily my body is affected by hormones. You know how everyone thinks pregnant woman are crazy and hormonal? I felt the most normal I had felt in years, while being pregnant, and off the pill. The last week of weaning was the worst. THE WORST. At every moment of the day I felt like I had the worst hangover of my life and would go back and forth with the idea up throwing up everywhere, all while having the sharpest stinging headache I had ever felt. All the while, I kept telling myself "well these side effects are the pits, but at least I'm not emotional". Heh, liar.
So yeah, I was sad. Not every second or minute, but probably almost everyday: I would have long moments of sadness and tears (I am not a crier). Marlowe made me laugh and smile (a lot) and my friends (when I saw them) usually made me happy, but still, I felt depressed. I was saddened by the fact that Alex was/is never around and the "family" I so desperately wanted felt again: like it was just Marlowe and I. I wanted (needed) the situation to get better and each day it didn't, I got more sad. And instead of just accepting that this is just the way this family will have to be, I closed off. I pushed away family, I pulled more away from friends, and I closed out Alex. Instead of telling anyone about my internal struggles with breast-feeding and weaning, I found it easier to disperse the blame to other areas in my life. This obviously didn't go very well. I pride myself so much in being honest and straightforward and yet, I found myself in my own form of dishonesty, with denial. Bah. Worst part is? My pride kept me from really realizing this. I didn't feel supported or understood, but then again, why would I if no one knew how I was really feeling? Once I accepted the fact that I wasn't as strong as I wanted to believe and my hormones were indeed creating a depression, I felt better. Admitting there is a problem is the first step, right?
So yeah, Marlowe is officially off the boob and has been for a little over a week. My body is slowly starting to normalize and my mood is slowly starting to shift back to a setting of normalcy. Marlowe is doing fantastic. She has adjusted better than I could have imagined. And everything else? Well, it still sometimes sucks. There are problems or issues that will be constant. Alex still works too much. I would still like some more family time. I would like to feel more support from my partner (but thats hard when I've been closing him out for a while). I don't feel endless amounts of love like I would like to (and sometimes, I struggle to find and feel the love at all). Sometimes I'd like more praise or reassurance... or to be told I look nice or am doing a great job. Alex's family will never like me or be happy with (or even accept) our relationship. I'm having a hard time keeping up with everything else around me, while raising a child. And of course, I still don't get a moment break to myself... but that is life. At least now that I have admitted to myself that my hormones, did in fact get the best of me, I feel better and I'm ready to (keep) moving forward. Things will never be perfect, ever. But, the good news is: I've got a good head on my shoulders, and a good grasp on reality, my emotions, and my body. I just need to always be honest with myself and sometimes tell myself: "Hey tough guy, it's okay to be weak. Stop being stubborn, and go ask for a hug."

The best news? 

The transition from breast-feeding to not, has not only brought a bit more room and freedom for Marlowe and I, but has also created a better, more comfortable (and snuggly) bond between us. Our uncomfortable (for me) nursing times has turned into the best sleeping cuddle sessions a mom could want.

And honestly, part of me liked not being on the internet. Not blogging, not reading other blogs, not responding to emails... or even opening my email... it's been nice. It's 10:43 pm and my plan was to read and respond to my overabundance of emails tonight.... it didn't happen. I'm behind, and not going to let it bother me. I have my large sponsor space booked until May... other than that, I'm slacking. Next month? Less sponsors (which is actually a bonus for the sponsors that will be up... more individual focus on them), less work, less blogging, and (hopefully) more focus.

This Thanksgiving...

I am eternally, undoubtably, and undeniably grateful for my friends and family. 

Without their unconditional love, affection, and support, my life wouldn't be half as great as it is today.

Thank you. 

(Happy thanksgiving)

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

(an arrow trail leading to an i love you)

-> -> -> -> ->

There are so many days where I feel like I am just pacing in circles. Following tiny footprints and my own footprints around and around and around. Tracing every step. Picking up this. Working on that. Moving this. Cleaning this. Adjusting this. Straighteing that. It never ever stops. A circular obstacle course with no end. 

When having small conversation with Eric the other day, he mentioned he's been enjoying life by eating good food, drinking good beer, and going out with friends a lot. My response to this statement (in my head) was "yeah, life is easy without a baby and a family to take care of". I doubt his statement was meant as a passive aggressive jab at the fact that I am unable to partake in these things (Eric is not one to typically do that), but my mind still went there. Plain and simple: life is easier without a baby. There are those moments that I wish for that life again... with more time, more freedom, and less responsibility, because now... in hindsight: those days were sometimes, taken for granted. 

I wouldn't trade my life or my child for anything in the world, I don't care how hard I have to work, how tiring it is, how little I sleep or accomplish, how much I crave a moment of peace: I wouldn't trade it. I imagine raising children is easier and more enjoyable with a live in partner to share the load and the responsibility. While Alex does stay here, he doesn't live here, he lives at work... I know (or am hoping) those days where we will share the work will come sooner rather than later. For now and until then, I'm doing what I can to enjoy every single over tiring day I have. I enjoy being a mother and I'll do my best to enjoy never ending circles, because I never want to look back and think: "that really wasn't that hard, I should have enjoyed it more." 

I hope you are all enjoying every second of this weekend! See you Monday! 

Open Thoughts & Past Letters

I don't know how long I can stare blankly into streaks of sun, allowing the bright light glaring in from the french doors blind me as I think of all the possible things to write about--- without actually ever getting down a single word. I could do it for a very long time. I imagine I could sit forever, motionless, with my thoughts roaring through my brain from side to side and back again, until life pulls me back and I realize my available time to write is over and all my thoughts are still left within my head.

This blog has been seeming very impersonal lately, mostly because life has been quiet, but also, because the few bits of noise that have occurred recently are not my own issues and are things that are better left not talked about. I've revisited my "open letter" post a million times in my head.... over and over writing a follow-up that never makes it to paper (or internet). One day those thoughts will come together into writing, for now they stay scrambled with everything else.

Life has been good. Alex and I have been sailing smoothly along, contently working on our family. With Alex working on opening a new restaurant, our time together has been slim to none the past few weeks. It seems like Marlowe and I are left to our own, just like before, content with the daily grind that life brings in our many hours alone, but also, being able to love the extra time that is filled with impromptu dancing and play. Alex and I have been trying to use our few minutes together to really make each moment last, while helping each other out as much as possible. Each one of us is giving as much as we can for the other without having to wear too thin or give too much. Our goal is long term: a happy relationship and family, now and later.

My own goal in this relationship is to always look forward and not to look back. I don't usually dwell on the past painful events--- I know it would only stand in the way of my happiness and prevent us from accomplishing our goal. Going into this I feared I would let negative thoughts linger... but to my proud surprise, I am able to separate the past and the now. Only recently has the past started to creep in. The past feelings of pain and robbery occasionally swirl in and out of my daily thoughts. What has been so incredibly simple for us to move past has entered our home again this week.

Through his attempt to move forward in his own life, many painful realizations have come to Alex. Words I never thought I would hear have now been said... Words I have always known, words I have written in personal journals, (long before Marlowe's birth) and then ripped apart and thrown away, to never wonder about again. Alex, no longer in denial, can now see what has been so clear to many people around him. He has now been able to admit to me and to others: yes, had he been left to his own accord, without any outside influence, this past year (the first year of Marlowe's life) and my pregnancy would have been a very different situation. This is a thought we've each (separately) suppressed. For him, for the first time living life for himself: it is a new pain. For me, it's a pain I have tried to move past since the day he left.

As I sit here with my fast moving thoughts, I am realizing that this very much goes hand in hand with my open letter. Facing reality, moving past the insecurities, standing up to other's negative influences, and staying true to his own feelings, thoughts, and wants... these are all things Alex is doing. There is no more back and forth. There is no more grey area. He has been very direct with his feelings and his intentions, with me and with my family. He is ready to face the insecurities in his life in order to move forward and have what he has always wanted, what we both have felt (and feel) robbed of. I stood my ground and we are doing this together. Through our joint efforts, couples therapy, and a common goal, we are working on living the life we want to live. We're working through any pain, staying strong, and staying happy. Now, any little bump is just a reminder of all we've been through and fought through: together and separately.

I am happy to finally be able to say I respect Alex for everything he has become and is fighting to be. I am happy with this family we are making. I am happy with myself, my daughter, and all the positives that surround us. I know the past cannot be changed and life will never be 100% perfect, and thats okay. Just so long as there is truth in my home and a smile on my daughter's face, then this hectic quiet is okay.

***I planned on posting this last night, but after my mini disaster of a day it seemed almost hypocritical. My poor sweet Marlowe had a reaction to something she ate (most likely the taste of peanut butter I gave her) and even though she was smiling, acting normal, and showing no signs of an allergy or rash, her bowels proved otherwise. Yesterday was a mess, a big disgusting shitty mess... and yes, I mean this in the literal way too. I felt miserable and helpless with a tired, snuggled baby in my arms. But late at night, even after the very difficult day, everything was okay once again, with Marlowe peacefully asleep (naked) in her playpen and Alex and I still being able to reconnect and plan one of our many steps forward... over M's (no longer needed) peanut butter crackers and a drink. It's nice (and needed) to have those few moments to recharge, especially when in love and feeling loved. 
&Marlowe seems to be doing a bit better now. Asleep on my bed, recharging. 

Asking For It, Again.

Roughly, four months ago, I wrote a long email to you, my dear readers, asking for your help. Well, here I am, again, to ask you for the very same favor. They have reset the count on topbabyblogs again and I need your help to get back to the top(ish). This time, just like last time, I promise/pledge/swear to never ever spam you with requests for your vote... not even once. No daily tweets, or facebook updates, or large banners at the bottom of every post under an adorable picture of my child's face. ^^but, isn't that picture ^ so freakin' cute ;)

The past few months, I've honestly been astonished and dumbfounded (only in the best of ways) by your support. But more importantly, I've been ridiculous amounts of grateful. When I made the promise last reset to ask once (and only once) for your vote, I was nervous petrified that time would go by and no votes would come in.... but, no, that wasn't the case. With your help and support, votes, and sharing: ohdeardrea was at number four----- higher then it's ever before. Thank you. Really, from the bottom of my heart: thank you.

If you are new here, have been here from the beginning, are a reader of this blog, you like/love/and/or care for us, and want to support us: please take a second of your time to vote for us... once each day or as often as you can, because really, each vote counts. (The button will be on the side of the blog, like it's always been.)

Please CLICK HERE to vote.

Also, let me take this moment to say thank you, not just for your vote on topbabyblogs, but for your love and support, in general. I have connected the most amazing people through this thing, I'm so happy to have it be part of my life, and so incredibly enamored with all the good you guys have brought along with it. Every comment, tweet, email, all of it: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

love,
Drea & Marlowe

PS. I'm really excited for a new feature coming to the blog. A small feature, but something delicious that I really love ;) Also, *diet water* will be back in service soon enough. It's one of the most time consuming, internet based features on this blog.... and time, well, it's lacking <3

A Necklace

I have very few pieces of jewelry anymore. I don't have time or money for jewelry. I also have a tiny little friend named Marlowe that is a fan of pulling and tugging on all things shiny. Regardless, I still have a few pieces that I really treasure and plan to keep forever: my grandmothers ring, a tiny compass on a big silver ring, a tiny level on a necklace, and now: a meaningful map on a chain.

I love maps. I really do. I've experienced so many road-trips, growing up, and also: through my adult years where I've studied a map for hours on end. I love the idea of exploring the road that is being traveled and finding home all over again. From shorter day-long drives, to long week long adventures, from: Florida to Canada, Massachusetts to Arizona, and Arizona to Florida--- I've spent hours in a car completely content with a map on my lap. 

While peeking through the booths on Saturday, I found a bin of assorted chain pedants. Each one was random and different from the other. I smiled instantly when my eye caught a pendant with a vintage map of Miami.  And not just Miami, but a very familiar place in Miami, a place I liked to think of home for a very short period of time. Out of every necklace that could have bee made, from any map that could have existed, out of all locations, and out of all places in Miami--- there it was... a   map of a place where I once I fell in love. My heart lived in that teepee.

Necklace from: Lemoree.

Cleaning House

This month is slipping past me. I want to slow time down a bit... but I obviously cant. I've spent many hours this past week cleaning house---- minimizing junk and maximizing space. I debated on yard sales, shop my closets, and all of those things people do to get rid of stuff, but make money. I ended up letting Kristine come by and pick through things before sending everything off in one large haul to goodwill. But I still spend everyday wondering what else I can give away and what else I can live without. A book, shirt, or kitchen item will pop up here and there. I need to get rid of more more more. I'm addicted to cleansing.

Marlowe turns one in nine days. That is ridiculous. Tonight I will prepare decorations for a small family based birthday party for her. This weekend I will go through her toys to try to further weed through the junk.

Life has been good around here. Actually, it's been very good. I'm tired, there are always more tasks that need to be accomplished, and the house is never clean enough, but I am happy. Very happy.

I'm jealous of all the "sweater weather" posts I've been seeing! Don't forget to contact me for october sponsorship. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Oh, and a very happy anniversary to my mom and step-father! Enjoy your weekend getaway!

PS. Marlowe has taken on cleaning... all by herself. Oh genetics, you are funny.

Continuing To Find A Common Ground

First of all, let me say I’m sorry for my minor absence. The internet has been off and on all week--- mostly off. It’s been stressful not being able to complete simple internet tasks, but it has also been a good opportunity to catch up on all the other projects that need to been accomplished around here. 

Second, I want to say thank you. 

This blog is what it is today because of all the people who come here to share and take part in my life and my daughter’s life. I've shared bits and pieces of my life, and in return, I've had so many readers share their stories and their lives with me. Ohdeardrea is (*only*) a little over a year old (a few months older than Marlowe) and has become very much a part of my everyday life. While this blog was started as a way to document my story for my daughter and my life with her, it has grown into so much more. This blog has become a community.

When meeting people we look to find that common ground. We look for similarities and interests. We meet people and want to find if and where we can relate and decide if and how our relationship can grow. Even traveling thousands of miles away we can find comfort and feel like we are home again through the people around us. We make simple connections in airport terminals, we find the person we sit next to may only live a few blocks from us, or enjoy the same local park, beach, market, whatever. 

The internet can be very much like that. Many people have found ohdeardrea for many different reasons. Many readers are far away family members, wishing to read about their newest far away relative. Many are friends or classmates who, over time, have taken different paths, and are living different lives, so very far away. And so many of you, are strangers, who have found ohdeardrea through that common interest and have found that you can relate for one, or many, reasons. 

Whether it has been a love for food, veganism, making simple handmade projects, growing babies, bright homes, bright and colorful daily events of recently enjoyed things, or single parenting, you have found my story and have become a part of our lives. I am so happy and grateful for this. 

Many woman have come here and found a common ground in single parenting. I’ve received so many emails of stories, questions, 'thank you’s' and support. I have found so much comfort from so many woman who have come to share their story with me, and I have received so many ‘thank you’s’  from other woman that I have done the same for. When starting this blog, I could have never expected this amount of positive feedback from other single (and not single) moms. And I cannot begin to describe how much this means to me. 

Thank you for being part of this blog and my life. This has been one hell of a year. With the help of my loved ones, Eric, friends (primarily Michelle), and (especially) my family, I have been given even more chances to live a truly beautiful life with my daughter. From the ups and downs of motherhood, creating relationships with new people, and old people whose connection you cannot shake.... I’ve experienced extreme fear and pain and extreme love and joy. I have been at the lowest most scariest points of my existence, but again, I have found my confidence, along with a better self and a new hope. You have been here to witness not all, but most, of what I have been able to share. You have watched my daughter grow, and have watched me grow along with her. 

You have seen many of the changes happening around here in the past few months and weeks. Because, just like you, Marlowe, myself, my life, and life in general, this blog is growing and changing everyday. Marlowe's father is back, and despite the troubles we have battled, are battling, and are going to battle, Alex and I are doing what we can to create our family. This is our new path. Our family is our new goal. For the past year many woman have come here to find the common ground of single parenting, tired of seeing the perfect blogs with the "perfect" families they have found a commonality and comfort here. I may not be the single mother struggling, scared alone in pregnancy and motherhood, or battling a teething sleepless baby by myself anymore, but I am still human, a new mother, with many imperfections. And despite everything, I am still growing and fighting to make my life the very best I can, just like each and every one of you. 

Thank you for being my community, thank you for joining me on this journey, thank you for finding a common ground, thank you for being my support, and thank you for finding support in me. My hope is that, as my life continues to grow and change, you still find yourself at home here.

Thank you for continuing to grow with us. 

"Only he can understand what a farm is, what a country is, who shall have sacrificed part of himself to his farm or country, fought to save it, struggled to make it beautiful. Only then will the love of farm or country fill his heart."
-Antoine de Saint-Exuper

Happy September!

(sweater from tiny fox vintage)

Is it fall yet? It's been nothing but heat, humidity, and rain in these parts and I'm dying for some cooler weather! We still have the AC on and the fans running 24/7. I'm looking forward to the days where I can have the windows open and a nice cool breeze coming in! 

Marlowe's father has officially moved out of the Northeast and into South Florida. Not many changes have come from it--- which could be looked at as a good or bad thing. I'll go with "good". It’s interesting to no longer make every decision for M on my own and actually plan things--- like her birthday party, with her father. I guess, thats the biggest adjustment for us (most specifically: me). I've grown so accustomed to doing everything without him that it has been difficult for me to make room for him in my life. Things like this take time, but will most likely (and hopefully) get better sooner rather than later. 

Speaking of Marlowe’s birthday... I’ve finally decided on a small (very small) “party” for her. Nothing crazy, but it should be a nice little event for mostly family. Her birthday falls on a weekend anyway--- so I really have no excuse. :)

Have you checked out our sponsors yet? -----> I’m really excited for this month, it’s a full load of bloggers and shop owners--- It's everything I love. We've got some mama bloggers, food bloggers, breast-feeding blogs, and really amazing shops. I’m sure you’ll like each and every one of them. And don’t forget about out discount codes listed on the side as an extra little bonus! 

Well, its time for me to get back to work while Marlowe naps (YES, NAPS! She has everyday this week!) Diet Water posts will return shortly. I plan on posting my mother’s vegan paella recipe next week and hopefully with Marlowe’s father, Alex around there will be even more food and bread baking to look forward to. *crosses fingers*. 

Happy September everyone! If you’re lucky enough to have the cool fall weather already, enjoy it! M and I will be inside, with the AC on, pretending it’s nice and cool outside ;)

(sweater: tiny fox vintage)
(t-shirt c/o: barley & birch)