Making Lemonade

Today was terrible. One of the worst of the worst. I haven't been sleeping well. My nights have been filled with terrible dreams of love, work, and child raising--- all falling apart-- again. I'm not sure what triggers my sleep problems (well, late night sugar doesn't help... and hormones don't help... okay, I guess I do know), but whether I know or don't know: my complicated relationship with sleep is back. I went to bed last night, excited for today... but today: nothing went as planned. I woke up to rain. Fine, it's rain, not a big deal. Rain happens, it's nothing to cry about. But how I was going to make it to two banks and city hall with a toddler, in the rain, was beyond me. (#firstworldproblems, right?) But I NEEDED to pay my bills. I knew I needed to. Five days past payment on rent (not a huge deal, I've got a great landlord, she knows the payment will come in-- this was my first day free this week) and a little overdue on utilities--- maybe, I never received a notice. I started gathering things together-- I was going to get Marlowe in that stroller and make quick walk east when there was a break in the clouds. I pick her up, I bring her in her room to change her: the power goes out. I hear someone outside. WHY. My bill stated the payment was due the 19th (of April). WHY. I go to the window and I see the man who shut off my power, getting in his truck, and pulling away. And I'm stuck, in the 90 degree, raining weather, with no AC and no power for fans.... and I'm confused and upset. Why the man who turns a switch to turn off all the power in my house couldn't wait for tomorrow, couldn't wait an hour until I made it to the office, is beyond me. We finally make it out of the house, neither one of us is happy. Marlowe vocally whines the whole time, I whine in my head, but I'm certain you can see it in my face. She whines more. She screams. I give up. I give her a lollipop from the bank--- ANYTHING to give me a slight second of a break today. The lollipop is not another person or a helping hand. The lollipop is hardly a minute distraction. And I don't feel completely guilty. We make it home. I prepare lunch. She screams the entire time. She seems hungry. I place her in the highchair and she is disappointed and unhappy. Whines. Points to nothing. Whines more. I beg, I plead. Finally, she gives up on her pointless whining and reaches for food. She begins to eat. I stand up in relief, wash my hands, walk back to the couch, and she is asleep: covered in food, in her chair. I lay her, dirty, covered in food, on my bed. I get some work done and I clean my messy home. She wakes up, in a better mood. For a short while, the clouds move, and the sun shines in... and I make lemonade. The rest of the day continues with more fits, more tantrums, and refusing to eat anything of value, and the day, once again, continues to fall apart. 

Currently: I'm happy to be in bed, with my child asleep in her cozy, tiny bedroom. I'm happy we both survived our moodiness today. I'm not pleased that my emotions have gotten the best of me a few times this week, but I'm proud for making it through another trying day, alone. I look forward to a fresh start tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a good day. Tomorrow: I drink my lemonade. 

2 parts lemon

1 part sweetener

6 parts water

(sounds accurate enough)

Happy Weekend everyone! Happy Easter, if you celebrate it. It seems the earth and the planets are moving in all kinds of weird directions, changing and adjusting our moods and cycles. I know very little about this. I failed (well, I got a C) on every exam relating to the pull of the moon and tides in my college oceanography course (hardest class I've taken to date). With Mercury in retrograde (whatever that means), we're not "supposed to" make big decisions, take on new projects, or deal with finances, but instead, deal with already looked at and older projects. Whatever is going on with moodiness and pulls, it's supposed to end soon. Again, happy weekend. Make some lemonade. 

A Sick Update & A Giveaway Winner

**be warned: this post may be a bit rant-y, complain-y, babble-y, and contain a lot of (extra) typos. 

This has been one hell of a long week. I cannot not even begin to describe how much I am truly looking forward to feeling better. You read about Wednesday night/early Thursday morning.... well... as awful as the whole thing is/was, I was lucky enough that it all worked out with my (and Alex's) work scheduling. I don't work Thursday during the day--- I work Thursday nights...  which means I was able to spend all of Thursday with a very sick Marlowe. Thursday night came around and as I was walking out the door, I noticed a missed call from my boss, and discovered the truck wouldn't be going out that night. Boy, that was kind of a nice surprise. Marlowe slept all day and most of the night. She spent 80% of her time on me. As hard as it was to see her sick, it was also so nice to just lay there with her cozy little body on mine.
Friday, Alex had off work. He came over to watch Marlowe while I went to work. For the past month (plus?) Alex and I have had no more than five minutes of contact with each other at a time. I had decided a while ago that he would no longer be spending time in my home. He would pick up Marlowe at my doorway, and drop her off the same way.  I cannot begin to explain how much I dreaded him being there on Friday... but then at work: the sickness hit me ( and I thought she wasn't contagious. whoops). I rushed home a few minutes early to meet them for a doctors visit. Marlowe and I left diagnosed with the Flu (Type B-- whatever that means) and the three of us left with a prescription to fight off the sickness. The rest of the day I joined Marlowe wavering in and out of fever land. We watched videos together, tried to eat as much as we could, and whined here and there. Alex and I took turns getting things done around the house and making sure Marlowe was comfortable. I wanted nothing to do with having to spend time with Alex, but once I started feeling miserable myself, I was grateful it all worked out how it did, because, needless to say: it was nice to have someone around to help.
I handle the day to day pretty well, but when I'm sick? Pfffft. I'm a mess-- a big whiny, loopy, vulnerable, half brained baby of a mess. Marlowe started feeling somewhat better on Saturday. Me? I had a fever of 102 coming and going for different parts of the day. Trying to handle the flu, by yourself, with a baby who is suddenly feeling better (and going a bit stir-crazy and wanting attention) is god-damn hard. I laid on the couch, or on my bed, shivering under the covers, with a video to distract her, wishing I could magically morph into two separate people, complaining to no one, but myself.
Here I am on Sunday. I haven't had a good nights sleep in days. I'm still sick. Coughing myself into a beautiful set of abs (I wish). I'm stir crazy, bored beyond belief, and slightly depressed that the best day this week was the day I dreaded the most-- because hey, it's the day: I not only had another adult around, but I also had more than two arms to help care for my sick child. On the upside: Today, I've been given a day of rest. Marlowe has been feeling a lot better, her fever has gone down and she has regained much of her energy. Today, my mother has picked Marlowe up to stay with her for a few hours (my mom flew into town yesterday), giving me time to actually recover. I'm praying to the sick gods that tomorrow will be a better day. It should be. It has to be. Because I cannot, for another day or moment, sit here, bored and alone, in my home. This update is about five pages longer than I wanted it to be. Just give me my healthy, happy life back.

Coming up in the new few days I have a sponsor spotlight and a (soup) recipe. And I still planning on doing a body care post... you know... one day.

And the winner for our Perry Mackin giveaway?
None other than one of our very own sponsors: Belle from Petite Biet. Congratulations Belle! The bag will be Brooklyn bound just as soon as I kick this flu :)

Thank you everyone that entered! Stay tuned, we have a few more giveaways lined up for April and May. And of course: don't forget about our Ride For Kids giveaway, where you can win a ton of awesome organic shirts, among other things... and 100% of the proceeds goes to help children with brain cancer. It's a win/win... even if you know, you don't win.



edit: I should probably mention, cause I'm pretty sure it will be brought up or questioned: yes, we totally used disposable diapers all week. I know I said we were an "all cloth" house, but I guess that wasn't completely true. I forgot to mention we use a disposable for sleep time.... and now: for sick time. 

This Morning

We woke up at four am today. Marlowe crying, warm to the touch, and drenched in sweat. I removed her blanket and handed her a bottle, a mixture of almond milk and water, and I went back to bed. Thirty minutes later, she was crying again. Still hot, still drenched in sweat, bottle: untouched. I picked her up, removed her pants, changed her very heavy diaper, and brought her in my room. I lay her curved, against my belly, and handed her the bottle again. She drank it, rolled over, rolled over again, and began throwing up. I feared choking and quickly picked her up to turn her on her side. She was crying and we were both wet. I held her as she cried. I wanted to cry. I took off our clothes, grabbed a small blanket and sat on the couch with her hot, tired body on mine. I called her father. I asked for his opinion. I asked for advice. I became frustrated. I hung up. I calmed myself, and called him back. He told me to let him know if we needed anything. I told him I would let her try to sleep and I would let him know if anything happened. We hung up, but kept in touch. I laid there for hours with Marlowe asleep, on top of me. She woke up every so often to let out a cry and slowly drift back into hot sleep. I cried. I want to cry now. I've grown to be so incredibly happy in my life, but in moments like these, I just want to cry. I laid there quietly sobbing with her on top of me. I wanted to get her a cool rag, a fever reducer, I wanted to take her temperature, and do anything to help her feel better. I needed to use the restroom, I needed a glass of water, and I needed a shower to clean her sick mess off my chest. I thought about the commitments I would have to break in the morning. I wanted to crawl into my bed, but knew I couldn't as the watery-milk was seeping into my mattress, into my pillows, hardening every linen I own. And I cried. Only one person, with two arms. 

There isn't a lot of things I need or want in this life. I live simply and I live comfortably. Sure, I would enjoy a home in a nicer-safer area or a more practical car, but I don't need those things to be happy. Money doesn't impress me and most things money can buy won't impress me. My happiness is here, in my home, knowing that my daughter (and myself) is clean, well-fed, healthy, growing, learning, and always incredibly happy. As long those things are in order, I am happy. The material things don't and won't matter when I know I am providing the most important basic needs, feelings, and nurturing for my daughter. So when I have Marlowe, sick and upset, struggling for sleep on top of my chest, and I find myself craving more arms or one more body to lend a hand, and raise her in the tough times, I cry.

As I sit here crying, I am so grateful. I am lucky to have what I have. I am lucky to be able to give what I  give. I know I am good mother, it's just sometimes, I wish there was more of me: for her. At this current moment, I am giving her everything I can give her. I am forlorn and I am sorry that I cannot be more than one person, but everyday, I will strive to be everything, within my ability, to give her more.

Currently, Marlowe is sleeping, but stirring, and likely to awaken soon. I asked Alex to come by this morning, he did. He brought the few items I asked for and replaced my body, with his, so I could take care of the house and myself. He left, leaving both of us asleep. Marlowe has been in an out of sleep all morning. We're not sure exactly what is wrong. It doesn't seem to be overly serious, but either way, I am hoping (really hoping) everything is just a symptom of the three (plus) canines and molars pushing through her gums. Her fever is steady, but so is her discomfort. Hopefully tomorrow, we will have a visit with a doctor. In the meantime, in her waking hours, I'll be trying to fill her body with fluids (in small doses, of course) and trying to keep her temperature down. In her time asleep, I will collecting myself and making sure everything around her is in place, as it should be.

I'll be back soon.