Good, Bad, &Difficult

This weekend has been good, bad, and difficult. Marlowe's biological father came back into town to meet her. It's the first time I've seen him in months.
Other than that kinda big-kinda important event this weekend has been fun, but overly tiring. After a very busy day for me and a whole lot of sleeping for Marlowe we both shared a very sleepless night. Next time I need to plan better to make sure she rests properly at night. I tried to take a picture of Marlowe and I today and I couldn't believe how tired I looked. I had posted this picture last month displaying my tired face, I never imaged my tired face could grow to the one I am wearing today.

Being a parent (a real full time parent) is hard. It doesn't matter if I put on a nice dress and leave the house happy and I possibly make it look easy... it's not easy. Thats not to say there isn't easy times or it isn't enjoyable.... because there are and it is, but overall it's still a difficult job. After having such a rough night with Marlowe last night it was extremely difficult to deal with her father today. I wanted to call him when I was awake and miserable at four in the morning and tell him he wasn't welcome into my home and he didn't deserve to see his daughter. Where was he: For every doctor appointment I had? Or when I was too sick to cook myself a decent meal? Or when I was in labor? Or when I could hardly get myself out of bed post labor? Where was he when I looking for a place to bring my daughter home to? Or when I was filling out form after form after form to try to get medicaid for my daughter? Or when I was collecting and buying all the things babies need to survive? Where was he for her first doctors appointment? Or every feeding? Or diaper changing? Or any crying fit she has had? Stopping by 3 days for a few hours a day over one weekend does not make you a father. Those few hours when he gets to hold her and play with her and not worry about anything else are easy. Thats the nice part. The easy part. That is not parenting. That is not raising a child. Not only has he not benefited her, but he also had caused me so much stress during my pregnancy I was worried about her well-being. I realize he deserves nothing, but regardless, I let him into my home today. I've said it a million times and I'll say it over and over again: I will never be the one standing in the way of him being a father to my daughter. Not being a good person to her will be because of his actions-- it will never be because of me. 

Of course I would prefer to never have to see or hear from him again. He has been a terrible person to me--- the worst of the worst. And unfortunately I don't think he will ever fully comprehend how much he put me through. I doubt he will ever gain my respect again and I wonder if I will ever be able to see him without feelings of resentment flowing through me. His words and actions have never matched up, but I really hope he proves me wrong when it comes to Marlowe. I hope he is able to really be an amazing beneficial person in her life and if not, I hope he swallows his pride, steps back, and disappears. He tells me he is going to be the best father he can possibly be and all I can think is: sometimes someone's very best is not enough.

Friday was the first time I've seen him since mid May. 5 months. I didn't know how I would feel and honestly, I wasn't surprised when I didn't feel much. I expected him to be more emotional when he saw her, but I wasn't surprised when he wasn't. (That's not to say he didn't have any emotions because I don't know what was going on through his head). I expected to look at him holding her and find a million similar traits that I may have forgotten about. I didn't. I still saw mostly me in her. I had some friends and family mention they were worried about me seeing him. They were worried I would let my emotions get carried away and I would want to be with him again. I didn't. I never will (I'm sure he feels the same about me). I'm so much happier now without the insecurities and stress he brought to me. I never want to feel insecure like that again. I doubt I ever will. 

The problem is I wanted to see him and feel like I won. I have a happy life with wonderful amazing supportive people and I have a beautiful daughter I get to raise and spend time with everyday. But instead, I didn't have that joyful feeling I expected where I would get to point my finger and laugh at all the things he could have had and didn't. Instead, I feel bad. I feel really terribly bad for him. It's not my place to feel guilt, he had his choices and made his actions and he is living with those consequences, but I still feel bad. He was with her for 10 easy peaceful hours. He wont be there for the difficult sleepless nights or the tiring parenting life, but he also lost out on the joy of raising his daughter. He will never have all those happy and amazing moments a real parent gets to have with their child-- her first trip to the park, her first real smile, her first words, her first steps, her first day of school, etc etc.. or even just the everyday basic moments that can be so incredibly meaningful.... Alright, nevermind, I can say it: "I won".